JALSP

Lovely Boy

2006-02-20T00:31:00.000-06:00

Alex is doing great! He's developed a fondness for painting... watercolors with his in-home-er's and walls with me. He watched me painting one of the bedrooms, and decided to help. He did a pretty good job. And just from watching me that once, he figured out how to open paint cans. So, he also painted the floor and himself... Lovely Boy!

He's been really having some seperation issues when I leave him. I hate it, but everyone is pretty excited about it, because he's showing preference, and what normally happens at a much younger age, is happening now. It's development. We're also hearing a lot more sounds, and his in-home staff are expressing amazement at his memory for numbers and letters. I'm very pleased. He just gets more amazing every day.

Time for sleep.

"Hi!"

2006-01-31T16:12:00.000-06:00

Alex had a great weekend visiting with Freaks and Freaklets. He said "Hi" to me once this weekend, and greeted one of his therapist, and said it again to me today. Lovely boy! He did well overall with all of the noise and broken schedules of being away. He managed to consume a bit of casein, the only effect I'm noticing is a manic laugh (which could easily be attributed to overtiredness) that has been going on the last couple of days. Interesting. Many people commented on changes they've noticed. I'm looking forward to trivia, to see if they notice any more changes. It's hard to remember when he couldn't do the things he does now.

I'm hoping to get Alex together with more of the Freaklets more often. He ignores other kids for the most part right now, since he has no real way of communicating with them. He does somewhat better with adults.

I know Alex has come a long way. I want so much more for him, and yet, I feel like he's given so much already.

Lovely boy.

In-Home part 2

2005-12-30T20:08:00.000-06:00

We've had a couple of visits from Alex's lead therapist. She thinks he's adorable and cuddly, so I like her. *grin*

How the deal is going to work is that Alex has 35 hours a week of in-home therapy. Drive time is included in that, as well as collateral time, so at least to begin with, he'll only really have about 24 hours of face to face time. For right now, that is plenty. As the program goes on, collateral time will grow less, and if he seems to need more time, they'll work on reducing drive time. We're planning on having them visit with Alex at his dad's house every other weekend too. Alex tends to give Brad more vocalizations, so I'm looking forward to them seeing how Brad and Alex interact. His lead therapist was pretty impressed with his non-verbal requests, which he is good at.

He'll have 2 lead therapists, with another, more experienced lead therapist overseeing them. And he'll have 3 or 4 line therapists. That's a lot of people tramping through the house, but I'm sure Alex will do well with it.

The therapists work in 2 hour shifts, which is great, because I think 2 hours is just about the maximum that someone can keep up with Alex without becoming distracted.

More later.

In Home

2005-12-29T10:08:00.000-06:00

We've got the schedule for Alex's in-home therapy. It doesn't look like it will be all that invasive. I'm looking forward to it. We set the schedule yesterday, and we start today.

Yippee!!

Feeling Ooogy

2005-12-17T08:27:00.000-06:00

What is worse than having an autistic child? Having an autistic child with the flu.

I know that there are a lot worse things out there, but yeesh. Alex's dad got stuck with him for the worst part of his flu, but he's been off schedule and cranky this whole week. It's hard sticking to the gf/cf diet too when he's sick. All the comforting things I want to give him aren't on the diet. And if they could make a soup that didn't have gluten in it, that would be nice. Not that they are all gluten-y, or even that it's that hard to make my own soup, but I was sick too. I didn't really want to cook. No crackers, and the bread we had didn't toast well. Poor Alex.

That was me being whine-y. I'm done now.

On the up side, we should be starting Alex's in-home shortly. The 28th is the date of beginning. I reminded my mother that it would be starting. She doesn't really listen to me, so the several conversations that we've already had about this can not be taken into account.

Me: So, those people are going to start coming here soon to teach Alex.
Her: When?
Me: The 28th.
Her: They're coming for an hour?
Me: No, they're coming 35 hours a week.
Her: Just for an hour or 2?
Me: No, they're coming 35 hours a week.
Her: For a week?
Me: 3 years
Her: What? For a couple of months?
Me: 3 years
Her: What?

We've had this conversation before. I think she's just comprehending what she wants to. I keep telling her that it will make her life a lot easier, since she won't have to be chasing after Alex all day when I'm at work. But she's a bit nervous about having someone there all the time. I am too, but I'm looking forward to it too.

I probably won't post until after the 28th. I've got a lot to do, with Christmas and getting the house tidied up.

Ugh.

Eeek! It's been months!

2005-12-11T13:10:00.000-06:00

It's been pretty crazy. But oddly sane. Alex is progressing! Very well. Here is the news in a nutshell. Working backward.

We had Alex's semi-annual evaluations. He showed amazing progress in them. One of the evaluators (Speech), stated that she would have been surprised to see his amount of progress in a year, much less the 7 months it's been since she saw him. Alex used the words, mama, da, up, bye and had great non-verbal communication through the whole session. She also thought that he may be hyperlexic. Which is interesting. I learned to read when I was around 3, and Alex is showing signs of early reading ability, which is pretty amazing since he doesn't know what words mean. It isn't traditional reading, but an affinity to letters, and a difficulty with spoken language. Another one of the therapists said that some kids like Alex will stay at a couple of spoken words for a long time, then be speaking in whole sentences within a month. Here's hoping!

We also came across a DAN! doctor in our neighborhood. And when I say our neighborhood, I mean 5 minutes away! He's very interesting, and has an autistic son of his own. So, we've finally embraced the gf/cf diet in a full-fledged way. Haven't started using any supplements yet, but that is the next step. It is always hard to say what causes improvement, which is the biggest difficulty with kids like Alex. Did he just develop on his own lately? Or did the diet help? I'm not ready to take him off of the diet to compare yet, but I'm already seeing some signs of improvement, increased involvement with others, more (and different) vocalizations, more invitations to inclusion by him. I've also taught him how to *high5*, which he has managed to extrapolate into *doublehigh5*, and into *shakehands*. (Some times I feel like I'm talking about training a dog, then I feel guilty.)

Alex is finally off of the waiting list for the waiver. He'll start intensive in-home on Dec. 28th. Merry Christmas! We'll be working with Beyond Boundaries. We met with them for an evaluation in October, and I like what they have to say. They are speech intensive, and focus on getting kids to inclusion in society. Alex is definitely ready for the help, and I'm hoping for positive experiences. The evaluators had varying things to say. One praised Beyond Boundaries, and said Alex was just at the right age to start. Another thought he should have started sooner, and didn't know much about them specifically, but warned us in general to keep a close eye on our line workers and the goals they are setting. Which is reasonable advice.

We've also moved, back to Mom and Dad's, as of Sept. 1. We've settled in admirably, though it's been a bit difficult establishing boundaries. Alex is attending Early Childhood at the elementary school where I went when I was young. I like his new teacher, and the rest of his staff, and luckily we have the same O.T. (Occupational Therapist) as we did at his last school. It is really nice to have someone who worked with Alex last year working with him this year, especially for comparisons.

More has happened, but that's the nutshell. Like I said, things are going well, but busy, busy, busy.

In My Never Ending Quest For MORE!

2005-08-18T02:11:00.000-05:00

I've been reading again. Autism again. I go through gluttonous Autism research for a couple of weeks, then fast, and try to absorb.

One of the books I picked up, I can't even read because the author is too extreme, in a psychotic over-involved parent way. One of the other books I picked up was recommended to me, by a woman I know. Her son was diagnosis with autism, and after reading the book, and taking their guidance, her son is not autistic. Not to say that there wasn't a mis-diagnosis to begin with, but the book is hitting all the right triggers with me. The author is also extreme, but in a philosophic, academic way. What kills me is that the book was written in the '70's. And their experience when they took their son to docs is pretty much what mine was. A lot of conflicting comments, and no solid advice. The only real exception was that institutionalization was mentioned to them, and they don't mention that any more. I heard the exact same comments about a condition that is affecting all of the kids, and they haven't hardly progressed since 1976. That's 30 years.

But, like I said, the author is very philosophical. He talks a lot about accepting what is. Not saying there is no hope, but allowing yourself to enjoy your child, and to be happy, even when it seems callous to not be unhappy. This is something that has been bothering me for the last year or so. I, by nature and by choice, am a genuinely happy person. With all of the things that are going on in my life, I sometimes think that people think I don't care about the issues that surround me. I do, deeply. But I love Alex. I love hanging out with him, and he cracks me up. We laugh a lot. It's when I'm nervous about what other people are going to say or think about his behavior that he acts out more. Or it seems that way to me sometimes. When we take him to a non-fast-food restaurant, and I'm worried that he'll jump the booth and start yanking on another dinner's hair. Or when I take him to a family function, and I'm worried that someone will take Alex's behavior as a comment on my parenting. Because of course those comments don't just get murmured and forgotten, they get passed around, and someone winds up with hurt feelings. I think I am going to wean myself off of worrying about that aspect of Alex's life. Time is too short, and I really do enjoy being with him. I think in a way, I've been selfish, worrying about what people might think of me. I need to worry about what Alex thinks about.

Best quote out of this book so far, "For us the question: could we kiss the ground that others had cursed?" - Son Rise, by Barry Kaufman.

Catch up

2005-08-10T13:21:00.000-05:00

Alex is amazing. He's tossed out a couple more words, not on a consistent basis, but we're hearing stuff. I got him a little mini-trampoline, which he loves, and is great at. He's constantly bouncing. He seems more aware lately, paying some more attention when we call for him (mostly to "GET DOWN" - he's always climbing up something).

Still gathering information on getting Alex into some other programs while we wait.

More to follow.

Getting With the Program

2005-07-31T14:42:00.000-05:00

So, finally had another meeting with the social worker in charge of helping us get Alex into an in-home program. The docs recommended we get Alex into a program last November. And after much hurrying up and waiting, we were told that in another week or so, we'll be on the waiting list. Wow. I'm so excited.

And incredibly pissed off. Everything I read, and everything "they" tell me is to get into the therapy early. All the calls I've made, and the organizing of people, getting this information to that person I've done for the last 10 months, is wasted time, basically. They can't even give us a time frame for the waiting list. I just feel sick.

So, taking the reins. I'll be on their waiting list, but I'm not waiting. We're going to put Alex into speech therapy in addition to what the school provides, (I have no idea what this will cost, insurance will pick up some of it, if we take him to Wausau for it) and we'll do whatever we can at home. At least one of my jobs went away last week, so I'll have a bit more time at home for Alex, which is what I've been wanting anyway.

On the brighter side, Brad reported that Alex said "doh" when he wanted to play with his play-doh, and has been making the "ff" noise when he wants french fries. He actually took Brad to McDonalds while they were in the mall, which means that his awareness is good, or that he has a really good memory, which we knew.

So, like most days, good and bad.

Good Days and Bad Days

2005-07-25T09:32:00.000-05:00

All the bad days, when I can't predict anything that Alex will do, when he breaks things, when he cries for hours, when I'm at the end of my mommying rope, really don't carry any weight against the good days. When I can see what Alex is really like, or what he could be like. When he is so loving, and funny.

Of course, on the bad days, I can't even see the good days, and on the good days, I try to forget the bad ones. There really isn't much balance. But it seems like Alex has had more good days than bad lately.

This is my last week as an in-home parent educator. I'll miss it a lot, but I am really looking forward to having more time with Alex.

Working, working, working...

In the News

2005-07-22T11:32:00.000-05:00

So, this guy was on "The Daily Show" the other night talking about thimerasol, not in one of their goofy interviews, but in the Stewart interview. He's written a book, and for the life of me I can't recall the name. It isn't the book I've been reading. Which raised the hair on my arms. I am pretty conflicted about it. I hate the fact that autism is affecting so many people that it deserves a place on "The Daily Show". And yet, if what the "mercury moms" are claiming is true, people need to know about it.

This has been everywhere for me lately. It is like you don't know if everyone has been talking about something, and you just are now aware of it, or it is just hitting the collective consciousness.

I don't want to be a crackpot, I have enough conspiracy theories. But I also want to do everything I can for Alex.

I'm still confused.

Whiny Post, best to ignore

2005-07-19T19:43:00.000-05:00

It just isn't fair. Not that Alex has the autism, but that nothing is clear. I'm so torn between doing this cutting edge stuff that definitely hasn't been proven, and listening to conventional docs that have zero answers. How do you decide who to trust? It could very well be that desperate parents are lending credence to crackpot theories. Or it could be that conventional medicine is avoiding looking too closely at what could be a grave error on their part. Will we know more in a few years? Probably. Will waiting help Alex? Nope.

But I don't want to come at this from a desperate point of view. I want facts, and it doesn't seem like there are any. Some cases of autism can be traced to chromosomal triggers... Alex doesn't have that kind of autism. Is there a genetic component? There has to be, just looking at my family. But it can't only be genetic, can it? There are so many families where they have one autistic kid out of several, and even the genetics lab said I would only have a 5% chance of having another autistic child, according to their testing.

And it doesn't matter why, unless why can lead me to how to fix it. Don't we owe it to ourselves to figure out why the numbers have exploded? Even from a purely pragmatic point of view, all these autistic kids are costing the country boatloads of cash. And it doesn't seem to matter how good your insurance is... they don't cover it. And that is a whole other side to these "cutting-edge" theories. How much is too much to invest in an unproven theory? Part of me says that money is no object, but part of me wonders if there are people out there just trying to make cash off of our, my desperation.

Because I can see how Alex could be. How he should be. And I think sometimes that he is much better, and I don't know why, and other times I think he is worse, and I don't know why.

And all of us parents, we run around, searching for answers that aren't there, while we try to keep life going, we work, we take care of our kids, we try to make time for our friends, and we drop into bed at night and worry about the next day. My mind isn't clear. How can it be? Yet, I'm the one who is supposed to decide how to treat my son. The docs and therapists give suggestions, and then tell me to choose what therapy I think is best. Best being relative to what is available in your area. Oh, and they don't actually give you the information to compare. That's up to you too. And there are nutritional therapies, and megadoses of vitamins, and supplements, and chellation, and testing for allergies, and floortime, and God knows what else. And nothing is proven. And I feel frozen.

But what if I miss on the thing that works?

Eek!

2005-07-18T10:14:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that I haven't posted in so long. In my defense, I've been pretty busy, but still.

Things are going pretty well with Alex. He is verbalizing more, and when he does, it's coming out pretty clear. It is still pretty random, and just because he says one thing on any given day, doesn't mean he'll repeat it. Which is difficult, because you have to teach the same lessons over and over. On the other hand, he seems to be doing more mimicking, which he has very rarely done.

A friend had her children over last night, and Alex seemed to really be aware of them. He joined each of them playing with toys, and was paying attention to how they were playing. I was thrilled with that, though I don't like to make a big deal in front of him, because he seems to back off when I do. It's also nice to be around kids who talk and play in a more regular sort of way. I forget what kids are supposed to be like, and although I know that Alex learns a lot in his early childhood classes, the kids there aren't "regular" (is there anyway to talk about kids being different without making them sound different? I feel like I'm making judgments about what is normal or different, and placing good/bad values on them, when I don't mean to. Alex has some amazing skills, but is so not regular, and most of the regular kids I know are nowhere near average. I must mean mainstream, which is icky too. Ugh.), and I think he sometimes picks up bad habits from them. So, I would really like to see him with other children more.

Marshfield Clinic finally gave us a diagnosis code, so with luck, we'll be able to get Alex some in-home therapy, which I'm hearing some good things about. More as I know more.

Am in the middle of reading "Evidence of Harm". If everything in this book is true, I'm not sure I want to be a part of this country anymore. I'm reserving judgment on the truth of the book, but it's leading me in a couple of new directions for therapies for Alex. I'll dedicate a full on rant about this when I'm done with the book.

So, that was a brief catch up. I'll try to post again soon.

J.

Woot!

2005-05-10T10:27:00.000-05:00

Alex asked for "appoole" meaning apple this morning. This was before I had actually reached for the apples, but I was standing next to where I keep them. I had not asked if he wanted an apple before he said it, so this was a completely Alex driven request. He definitely got an apple.

All I can really say is YAY!

What A Week!

2005-05-06T12:37:00.000-05:00

Crazy week.

But mostly good. Some not so good. Such is life.

For the good. Alex is doing some amazing stuff that I've never seen him do before. Is it taking him off of milk, or is it just that he was at a tipping point? I'm going to leave him off of milk for a little while longer before I test that theory. Amazing stuff - Alex put the numbers 1 - 10 (on cards) in order. His speech therapist says she thinks he is recognizing words. We had to take him for testing at Marshfield Clinic (they did not impress me). The speech therapist there said that Alex is making a lot more phonetic sounds than he was in November, and is showing more interaction. The occupational therapist said Alex is caught up on his fine motor skills. If I remember correctly he was testing at 22 months last November - which means that according to them he's made a 21 month jump. (he's 43 months right now) I think he's just more interactive with people he doesn't know. Because as much as he has progressed in the last little while, it hasn't been that much. Although, the interaction is such a vital part.

One more amazing thing. I was telling Saryn about how I told the O.T. that we were letting Alex draw with dry erase markers on the bathroom mirror. The OT was thrilled with the idea, saying how good that would be, from a therapy standpoint. As Saryn and I were talking about it, Alex got up, went into the bathroom and climbed up to the mirror. I went in after him, and he held out the marker. I let him draw for a few minutes. If you didn't catch that, Alex overheard us. Meaning he was taking meaning from our words. Talk about thrilling!

On the ooky side this week. Alex had severe gastrointestinal distress. I'm wiped out. I haven't had more than 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep all week. There is something going around, but yeesh. And oogy. And ICK.

He is much better this morning, hence me taking time to blog. I've either been cuddling Alex or cleaning up after Alex or working this week. Notice I didn't include sleeping on that list. Even during my sleeping hours, I've cuddling or cleaning up after Alex.

Parenthood gives you superpowers.

I Did Nothing

2005-04-30T01:59:00.000-05:00

I didn't do anything today, and I pretty glad about it.

That isn't exactly true. I hung out with Alex, we chased each other around, did a bunch of tickling, and generally behaved like loons. After Alex left with his dad, the other J came down and we went to trivia central and started logging the books with Dale. It's going to take a bit of time to get all of them entered, but I think it will be worth it.

Otherwise I just hung out on the computer, avoiding doing all the things I should have been doing.

I did get some good news today. I haven't got official word on this, but it looks like Alex was accepted by the Katie Beckett program, which will help pay for his therapies. YAY!

So Mad I Could Spit

2005-04-27T23:24:00.000-05:00

I'm so incredibly angry, I feel like we've wasted the last year waiting around for one doctor or another to get us results or for forms to be processed or for Alex to be a little older, or for the next damn appointment. They say that the sooner autistic kids get some help the better, and we've been in such a holding pattern for so long now. And Alex has had some help, which I know has improved him, and I'm grateful for that. But I know he could be so much further along.

The reason I'm so incredibly upset right now is that the clinic we take him to is pretty well respected in other areas, so I felt comfortable taking him there for the child development clinic. It is the closest to us, at 45 minutes. It has been one screw up after another. They have given us some good information, but they have not sent us reports, not sent us results, lost forms that we've sent, lost forms that Alex's care givers have sent, have not filled out forms that are needed for other services completely, have changed appointments without informing us, can not figure out that Alex's dad has one address and I have a different address. They send things to me at his address, and things to him at mine. If I ask for something, they'll send it to him. And it usually doesn't matter, because we get along in all things Alex, but when there is a time crunch, them sending it to the wrong address in a different city, isn't helpful. They've changed the head of the clinic once already in the 8 months we've been taking him there, and maybe that was what was needed, but I'm hearing that this is happening to other families too.

We've got another appointment with them next week, and if I'm not satisfied when I leave there, we're going to have to take him to a different clinic. Most likely it will add a couple of hours to our drive, but if it reduces the aggravation it will be worth it. And don't get me wrong, I'm not disputing their results, or Alex's diagnosis, I'm angry that they have made this incredibly stressful time even more stressful.

I could seriously spit.

Too Much to Think About

2005-04-27T02:16:00.000-05:00

I've got too much on my mind.

I'm trying to focus it on Alex, because at least something can be done with Alex. I've got job issues, and life issues, and I want to work on health issues. Alex issues might at least yield some results. I think we're going to try an elimination diet. I know that the AMA and CDC haven't accepted any findings from researchers on the effects of diet in relation to autism, but the anecdotal results are compelling. I'm not going blindly into this, grasping at straws. If we can eliminate some of the most common triggers, and see improvement, then we'll have an answer that will be a component of Alex's overall treatment. If we don't see results, then we can try something different. I don't ever want to be one of those parents who just blindly takes the word of the latest guru, pinning all their hopes on one person's ideas. I'm going to do a bit more research before I start eliminating, to make sure I understand how the components work in the diet. I'll probably do a bit of tracking here, as well as notes on paper.

And in "oops" news. So, the toaster has been making this odd smell for awhile. Today, when I got home it was still lingering in the air, so I decided to have done and clean the thing out. A pen. A stinking pen was in the toaster, melted to the wires and wall of the toaster. I had to toss the whole thing out. I'm surprised we didn't have a fire. It most likely fell off of the microwave, where we keep some odds and ends, and into the toaster. I don't know how we didn't notice it right away. Ugh.

Still Blue. And Tired.

2005-04-26T00:52:00.000-05:00

So, my boy is terrific. He signed 'more' several times in a row when he was stacking cards (an activity that he does quite often) I was handing them to him one at a time, and asking him if he wanted more each time, as a way to make the solitary game more interactive. After he had stacked the deck a couple of times, I dealt him a card from the bottom of the deck. He looked at it and handed it back, because he knew it wasn't in the order that it was in before. The cards were randomly shuffled before we started. Sometimes I can see so clearly into his head, and other times I can't see anything.

It is so incredibly tiring. I spoke with one of my cousins. He and his wife are going down the same road, and have a lot of information about nutrition and the medical aspects behind autism. We suspect that there have been some other cases in the extended family, but no one is talking. It is frustrating. And scary. And I'm afraid that I won't be able to provide the care that Alex needs. There seems to be help out there, but at the same point it is hard to get to. And there are so many theories and schools of thought on how to best help kids with autism. No one is certain. In fact, sometimes its even hard to get a diagnosis. And then when you do get it, you don't really want it, because it becomes a label.

Alex is. He is perfect, beautiful, loving, smiley, has a great laugh, loves to dance, has specific likes and dislikes, loves to go to school. And he is non-verbal, has sensory issues and sometimes frustrates me beyond words. I love him beyond belief, and as much as I would love to have Alex wake up one morning, talking, singing, and aware, I can't imagine him being different than how he is. So, Alex is.

Not quite as blue. Very tired.

Autism Blues

2005-04-25T01:13:00.000-05:00

I've been a bit down this weekend about the autism. Alex is so lovely, and fun, and I know how lucky I am that he is as social and in tune with us as he is, and yet.

I want him to ask me to read to him. I want him to be able to tell me if he's in pain. I want him to tell me what he's thinking about. He is so independent, and sometimes I just think he thinks of anyone around him as a tool to be used. That's hard.

When I was driving around town the other day, I came to the conclusion that it's like being in a tug of war. Some days I can feel myself being more like Alex, we spend time not talking, just communicating non-verbally, I can feel myself being more like he is. Other days I can see him being more in touch, where I think 'normalcy' is just around the corner, and all it will take is the right activity, the right toy, the right book, and he'll be with us for real. I forget sometimes that it isn't Alex on the other side of the tug of war rope. It's the autism I'm pulling against. Alex is the prize.

I read an article that compared autism to computer operating systems, and people with autism as running a Mac OS in a PC world. I want an emulator that I can plug into my baby. One that lets him still be Alex, but able to function in the mainstream. And then I get annoyed with myself. Why do we want everyone to be the same. I tell people all the time that we need to prepare our children for the real world, but I wonder if we're really just making ourselves slaves to some kind of life that we don't particularly want to live.

But that is naive and idealistic too. We all do need to deal with the real world, one way or another. I'm just afraid that sometimes we're ignoring our talents and our children's talents in favor of security or conformity.

I think I've got a bit of a rebellious streak.

First Post

2005-04-23T18:59:00.000-05:00

First posts are hard. You wonder what to name things, what to do. I'm writing this for myself, which makes me not want to do an introduction. I don't need to introduce myself to me. But if I were to describe myself, it would be: I'm 33, I have a 3 year old son, who has autism, I'm in the process of being divorced. I work a variety of flexible part time jobs, all of which are kind of fun, and allow me to take off when I need to for my boy. I'm an unmotivated writer. I'm a bit crafty. I adore my friends, and wish I could spend more time with them. I'm in favor of sarcasm. I laugh, loudly, a lot. I've been trying to quit smoking for years. I love to get really angry about things I have no control over and rant. I'm trying to change the world, but it's kind of a slow process.

Describing yourself is like a discovery, and a promise. I'm constantly trying to re-boot my life, to make everything perfect. I realize this can't be done, but I figure that every step I take is one step closer to my ideal.
Lately I've been pretty reflective, which is never a good sign. I'm thinking that big changes are coming (they are already in progress - but it's hard to see it from the inside). You know the ancient chinese curse "May you live in interesting times"? My life is interesting.

That's pretty much it for today.